YOU WHAT, YOU WHAT, YOU WHAT?

The quotes of the season
PLAYERS


"When I heard that the new chairman was a biscuit baron I thought 'Yes! Bourbons all round!'

Maybe instead of a goal bonus I can get a biscuit bonus." 
 West Ham’s Dean Ashton should have asked for an injury bonus

“I want to change my squad number. The number 33 makes me look fat.” Ipswich winger Gary Roberts

“We need to get a result. Even a draw would be like kissing your sister and you don’t want to do that.” Marcus Hahnemann

“For some reason I used to like ironing. I guess I found it therapeutic” Jermaine Jenas

“My dog was able to speak Scouse in two days. But I still can’t.” Liverpool’s Luis Garcia

“I’ve got a DVD of my knee operation which I find fascinatiing to watch.” Virtually the only action Michael Owen saw all season


"I relax when I play football computer games. I have fun playing as Henry and shooting wide of the goal” Didier Drogba.

“Jose Mourinho is the funniest thing to come out of London since Del Boy in Only Fools and Horses” Jamie Carragher

“I don’t like the room service in my hotel” Palace’s Shefki Kuqi on the nightmare of living in London

“Dave Beasant is a dead ringer for David Hasselhoff. A greater compliment Bess could not have” Fulham’s Moritz Volz lives on planet Baywatch

“The food is truly catastrophic, and it rains all the time. When there's no training or match, it's a DVD under the quilt to keep warm" Patrice Evra enjoys life in Manchester

"I am not feminine or gay in any way but Peter Crouch is not ugly and a few birds like him," Rio bigs up Peter crouch

"I shave my chest. It's my biggest grooming secret. I used to be a soap and water guy but now I use moisturiser" Frank Lampard gets it off his chest

“My dad used to ref me when I was a kid. I remember him booking me – and asking my name” Coventry’s Kevin Kyle

“Jason Roberts is like a second wife to me.” Benni McCarthy gets close to his striker partner.

“The only thing he needs to work on is his haircut” Chris Coleman on Jimmy Bullard

“The Queen told us she was an Arsenal fan.” Cesc Fabregas gets royal approval

“Cristiano is the only player with his own personal mirror in the dressing room.” Patrice Evra dishes the dirt on Ronaldo

“Only in England could such a man with such obvious and limited abilities be made into the national coach” Massimo Maccarone’s not a McClaren fan.

“I don’t want to start making excuses but little things like a dry pitch slowing the game down doesn’t help” Jamie Carragher on England’s defeat in Croatia

“England did nothing in the World Cup, so why are they bringing books out? ‘We got beat in the quarter-finals, we played like sh*t, here’s my book’. Who wants to read that? I don’t” Manchester City’s Joey Barton endears himself to everyone.

“I love cooking now for my family so I’d love it if they bought me some saucepans or a frying pan” David Beckham sorts out his Christmas list


GAFFERS

“We were top of the Premiership for 22 minutes” And that was as good as it got for Neil Warnock

“The title is there for us now” Villa’s Martin O’Neill also got carried away after an opening day draw.

“We've got a young squad and I want to add some experience. And that's why I've signed a 20 and a 21-year-old. I clearly don't know what I'm talking about, do I? " Martin O'Neill

“It’s like having a blanket that’s too small for the bed. And now I can’t buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed” Jose loses it talking about the transfer window.

“I’ve got a big file in my office of incidents involving Chelsea and referees. Do you want me to bring it out?” Sir Alex

“I’ll be giving him a hug and a kiss – maybe even two!” After Bolton drew with Chelsea, Sir Alex plans to er, reward Big Sam

“Arsenal are like an old girlfriend who you sometimes keep an eye on but I have a new wife now in Portsmouth. Although the new wife can be a pain in the arse sometimes.” Pompey coach Tony Adams.

“I told Jermaine I wouldn’t swap him for Miss World” Martin Jol on Defoe

“I love to be around people who are prepared to kick their granny.” QPR boss John Gregory

“The crowd here were magnificent, singing ‘F*** off Mourinho” Jose salutes the Bramall Lane fans.

“I took my wife out on Saturday night but all I was thinking about was our back four. She’s made an effort but it was like taking the four out as well.” Roy Keane

“I’ve got a team of waiters – they wait for the other team to score first.” Swindon boss Paul Sturrock

“He’s got lovely hair. I pull it all week.” Stuart Pearce falls for Bernado Corradi

“I think my wife reckoned I was having an affair with Neil Warnock during the close season because we were talking so much” Paul Jewell

“They were asking £5mill for Nikola Zigic. His agent said to me ‘I don’t think 5 million will buy him.’ I replied ‘I know, I’m one of them.’”Harry Redknapp

“I do not get involved in any trouble. I am not an excitable person” Newcastle’s Mr Dull, Glenn Roeder

“I’ve never fancied myself as a pole dancer.” We’d never have guessed, Glenn Roeder.

“I will be watching 24. Jack Bauer is some guy. I wouldn’t mind him in my back four” Gordon Strachan

“The physio said Paddy’s dazed and doesn’t know what’s happening. I said, ‘Keep him on, he’s normally like that’ Neil Warnock on keeper Paddy Kenny

"When you score a last-minute goal to win a game there is no better feeling. Well, maybe your wife might disagree" Martin Jol

“I felt gutted for him” Steve Staunton on hearing Shay Given had undergone a stomach operation.

“I apologise” Jose Mourinho astonishes everyone with two little words after his outburst over Andy Johnson

“These days, you only have to fart in the box to concede a penalty.” Kevin Blackwell kicks up a stink

“The wife told me it looked as if I knew what I was doing a bit more” Gareth Southgate on his new touchline suit.

“Our man of the match was Jay Tabb because he knew we had to change trains at Hammersmith” Cov manager Micky Adams after his team were forced to travel to Loftus Road by tube.

“It’s about time us managers had a big fight. Me and Bryan Robson would be decent. I’d have to kill him or he’d keep coming back at me.” Steve Bruce

“What are women even doing here? I know I sound sexist but I am sexist” Luton boss Mike Newell on lineswoman Amy Rayner

“With me and Iain Dowie on the touchline it could turn into a beauty contest” Paul Jewell

“To be honest with you, Glenn Roeder fancies me" Stuart Pearce on his lengthy touchline hug with his opposite number.

“I think he overbalanced.” Martin Jol’s interpretation of Zakora’s dive of the season

“A brilliant reaction. I hate it when players just walk off.” Jose after Robben had stormed down the tunnel after being substituted.

“When I saw Barbara Streisand yell back at a heckler, I thought at least it’s not just me that gets angry at work.” Neil Warnock finds a soulmate

“It was just a nibble. Jermaine wanted to show his frustration in a nice comical way” Martin Jol explains Defoe’s bite on Mascherano

"Do you have to kill somebody these days to get a red card?" Harry Redknapp on that Ben Thatcher challenge

“Maybe people are just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything.” Ian Holloway on Joey Barton’s bum rap

“I have never been pushed by a manager of that stature before” Alan Pardew on his touchline shoving match with Wenger

“I went swimming with my players but my trunks are so tight I got called a budgie smuggler.” Plymouth boss Ian Holloway

“It's the same as if you told my missus I was gay. It's nonsense." Martin Jol denies being told to play Berbatov against Chelski

“I’m quite a cool dude really” The new laid back Sunderland boss Roy Keane

“In that situation, we would all love to do that" Gareth Southgate on Morrison's attempted knee-capping of Ronaldo.

“I normally like to get kissed before I get screwed. But there was no foreplay, nothing.” Mick McCarthy bemoans getting turned over by a ref.

"We don't have players growing in greenhouses out the back, because we don't have time for greenhouses. We're more a microwave sort of club.” Watford’s Aidy Boothroyd

“I’ve only been to Wembley once and that was to the Arena to see Lenny Kravitz. I don’t think he scored that night – although he might have done after the show” Chris Coleman

“I’d rather he nicked a toilet seat than mug an old lady. Then his career really would be going down the pan” Harry Redknapp on toilet theiving Glen Johnson

“We asked him to call us back if he was considering coming back. We never heard anything.” Bolton’s Sam Allardyce gets the knockback from Becks

“I don’t think we’ve got a discipline problem. It’s the players who are thick who are causing the problems.” Blades manager Neil Warnock after Paddy Kenny gets an eyebrow bitten off in a Halifax Indian restaurant.


BOARDROOM MADNESS!
“I haven’t laughed so much since Ma caught her t*ts in the mangle” Leeds chariman Ken Bates finds something to smile about.

“We need stability” Charlton Chief Exec Peter Varney sacks Iain Dowie after 15 games, just before sacking his replacement Les Reed.

“There’s gold in them there hills here. It’s hidden deep but we’re going to dig it out.” And Niall Quinn was as good as his word.

“It’s your throat that’s going to be cut if you don’t produce results” Alan Pardew can’t say he wasn’t warned by West Ham’s new chairman Eggert Magnusson

AND THE REST
“He constantly wants sex. He thinks he can wear his groin out if it’s being fixed” Harry Kewell’s wife Sheree Murphy

"Football's a difficult business and aren't the players prima donnas?" Her Majesty the Queen to Premier League chairman Sir David Richards.

“If Jose's dog is called Gullit then I understand why it is so precious to him. Any dog called Gullit must be something special" The original Ruud Gullit.

“I suggest that anyone who’s brave enough to meet Ibrahima down a dark alley should have a piece of Kryptonite with them. He’s a big lad” Reading coach Wally Downes, on death threats to Imbrahima Sonko

“He brings out an extra six to 12 inches and it’s a fantastic tackle” Former Charlton and Chelsea defender Scott Minto makes his broadcasting debut