FANCHANTS ALTERNATIVE PREMIERSHIP AWARDS

By Graham Wray

Forget the other tin pots. Here’s where Fanchants dishes out its prestigious alternative Premiership gongs:

The Phil Spector award for bad hair
Dimitar Berbatov. He might play like God on speed but that greasy bob makes him look more like Ann Widdecombe on HRT.

The Nobby Stiles award for man-marking
Chris Coleman’s missus. Still, at least she knows where he is now. Sat watching daytime telly eating his body weight in Cheesey Wotsits

The Vanessa Feltz award for best use of big pants
The huge banner in the Kop that read; ‘Jose Mourinho: Special One My Arse!’

Andriy Shevchenko award for Miss of the season
Miss Danielle Lloyd who scored in the presence of Premiership players more times than Watford.

The Trevor Sorbie award for blowdrying
Sky’s Geoff Shreeves for taking the full force of Fergie’s hairdryer on the chin. And then blasting it back in old sourpuss’s face.

Victor Meldrew moaner of the year
Neil Warnock for continually moaning about other managers fielding weak teams when the crafty sod did it every game.

The Audley Harrison award for girly fighting
Alan Pardew and Arsene Wenger for going at it like a pair of dads fighting over a parking space at Asda.

The Scooch award for laughable singing:
Wigan fans for their classic anthem:
We’ve won it two times,
We’ve won it two times,
AutoWindscreen,
We’ve won it two times.

The Alan Rough award for Scottish Goalkeeping
Everton’s Iain Turner who quite literally handed the title to United.

Maradona award for crafty cheating
Bolton’s David Thompson for popping a balloon as Reading’s Kevin Doyle took a penalty. Next year he plans to freak penalty-takers by making small animals out of stray balloons.

Gordon Brown award for most thankless task
The plastic surgeon who had to put Crouchie’s wonky face back together after his nose had been splattered.

Jurgen Klinsmann award for most likeable German
Fulham’s Moritz Volz: “Being from the Fatherland I am obviously very tight. So on the morning of a game I often get up early and bake a cake. I’m thinking of opening a cake stand outside Craven Cottage.”

The Alan Sugar award for misplaced misery
Steve Coppell. His side finished in the top half and were acclaimed for their attacking flair yet he still looks like the sort of bloke who’d be unhappy in a barrell of tits.

Martin O’Neill award for mad punditry
Sky’s Paul Merson for describing one striker as “about as useful as a fish up a tree.” Give The Merse his own show!

Barry Davies award for flowery commentary
“Oh there’s the backflip, the helicopter spin and the compulsory spiral” said Tony Gubba, not describing one of Robben’s dives on Match of the Day but slumming it on Dancing On Ice.

David Brent award for nuts manager-speak
Jose: “I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But I am content because the blanket is cashmere.” And frayed at the edges with a few holes at the back by the look of it.

Liam Gallagher award for modesty
Joe Cole: “My body is now close to being absolutely perfect.” Yeah, but the munchkin face still needs a bit of work.

Darren Anderton award for most bizarre injury
Charlton’s Darren Bent sidelining himself after slicing his hand with a breadknife. “I’m not even sure what sandwich I was making. I didn’t get to try it.”

Otis Spunkmeyer award for silly names
Martin Jol’s sibling. Said Martin; “Yes my brother’s called Cock. What’s so funny about that?” Shall we tell him or will you lot?