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YOU WHAT, YOU WHAT, YOU WHAT?

The quotes of the season
PLAYERS


"When I heard that the new chairman was a biscuit baron I thought 'Yes! Bourbons all round!'

Maybe instead of a goal bonus I can get a biscuit bonus." 
 West Ham’s Dean Ashton should have asked for an injury bonus

“I want to change my squad number. The number 33 makes me look fat.” Ipswich winger Gary Roberts

“We need to get a result. Even a draw would be like kissing your sister and you don’t want to do that.” Marcus Hahnemann

“For some reason I used to like ironing. I guess I found it therapeutic” Jermaine Jenas

“My dog was able to speak Scouse in two days. But I still can’t.” Liverpool’s Luis Garcia

“I’ve got a DVD of my knee operation which I find fascinatiing to watch.” Virtually the only action Michael Owen saw all season


"I relax when I play football computer games. I have fun playing as Henry and shooting wide of the goal” Didier Drogba.

“Jose Mourinho is the funniest thing to come out of London since Del Boy in Only Fools and Horses” Jamie Carragher

“I don’t like the room service in my hotel” Palace’s Shefki Kuqi on the nightmare of living in London

“Dave Beasant is a dead ringer for David Hasselhoff. A greater compliment Bess could not have” Fulham’s Moritz Volz lives on planet Baywatch

“The food is truly catastrophic, and it rains all the time. When there's no training or match, it's a DVD under the quilt to keep warm" Patrice Evra enjoys life in Manchester

"I am not feminine or gay in any way but Peter Crouch is not ugly and a few birds like him," Rio bigs up Peter crouch

"I shave my chest. It's my biggest grooming secret. I used to be a soap and water guy but now I use moisturiser" Frank Lampard gets it off his chest

“My dad used to ref me when I was a kid. I remember him booking me – and asking my name” Coventry’s Kevin Kyle

“Jason Roberts is like a second wife to me.” Benni McCarthy gets close to his striker partner.

“The only thing he needs to work on is his haircut” Chris Coleman on Jimmy Bullard

“The Queen told us she was an Arsenal fan.” Cesc Fabregas gets royal approval

“Cristiano is the only player with his own personal mirror in the dressing room.” Patrice Evra dishes the dirt on Ronaldo

“Only in England could such a man with such obvious and limited abilities be made into the national coach” Massimo Maccarone’s not a McClaren fan.

“I don’t want to start making excuses but little things like a dry pitch slowing the game down doesn’t help” Jamie Carragher on England’s defeat in Croatia

“England did nothing in the World Cup, so why are they bringing books out? ‘We got beat in the quarter-finals, we played like sh*t, here’s my book’. Who wants to read that? I don’t” Manchester City’s Joey Barton endears himself to everyone.

“I love cooking now for my family so I’d love it if they bought me some saucepans or a frying pan” David Beckham sorts out his Christmas list


GAFFERS

“We were top of the Premiership for 22 minutes” And that was as good as it got for Neil Warnock

“The title is there for us now” Villa’s Martin O’Neill also got carried away after an opening day draw.

“We've got a young squad and I want to add some experience. And that's why I've signed a 20 and a 21-year-old. I clearly don't know what I'm talking about, do I? " Martin O'Neill

“It’s like having a blanket that’s too small for the bed. And now I can’t buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed” Jose loses it talking about the transfer window.

“I’ve got a big file in my office of incidents involving Chelsea and referees. Do you want me to bring it out?” Sir Alex

“I’ll be giving him a hug and a kiss – maybe even two!” After Bolton drew with Chelsea, Sir Alex plans to er, reward Big Sam

“Arsenal are like an old girlfriend who you sometimes keep an eye on but I have a new wife now in Portsmouth. Although the new wife can be a pain in the arse sometimes.” Pompey coach Tony Adams.

“I told Jermaine I wouldn’t swap him for Miss World” Martin Jol on Defoe

“I love to be around people who are prepared to kick their granny.” QPR boss John Gregory

“The crowd here were magnificent, singing ‘F*** off Mourinho” Jose salutes the Bramall Lane fans.

“I took my wife out on Saturday night but all I was thinking about was our back four. She’s made an effort but it was like taking the four out as well.” Roy Keane

“I’ve got a team of waiters – they wait for the other team to score first.” Swindon boss Paul Sturrock

“He’s got lovely hair. I pull it all week.” Stuart Pearce falls for Bernado Corradi

“I think my wife reckoned I was having an affair with Neil Warnock during the close season because we were talking so much” Paul Jewell

“They were asking £5mill for Nikola Zigic. His agent said to me ‘I don’t think 5 million will buy him.’ I replied ‘I know, I’m one of them.’”Harry Redknapp

“I do not get involved in any trouble. I am not an excitable person” Newcastle’s Mr Dull, Glenn Roeder

“I’ve never fancied myself as a pole dancer.” We’d never have guessed, Glenn Roeder.

“I will be watching 24. Jack Bauer is some guy. I wouldn’t mind him in my back four” Gordon Strachan

“The physio said Paddy’s dazed and doesn’t know what’s happening. I said, ‘Keep him on, he’s normally like that’ Neil Warnock on keeper Paddy Kenny

"When you score a last-minute goal to win a game there is no better feeling. Well, maybe your wife might disagree" Martin Jol

“I felt gutted for him” Steve Staunton on hearing Shay Given had undergone a stomach operation.

“I apologise” Jose Mourinho astonishes everyone with two little words after his outburst over Andy Johnson

“These days, you only have to fart in the box to concede a penalty.” Kevin Blackwell kicks up a stink

“The wife told me it looked as if I knew what I was doing a bit more” Gareth Southgate on his new touchline suit.

“Our man of the match was Jay Tabb because he knew we had to change trains at Hammersmith” Cov manager Micky Adams after his team were forced to travel to Loftus Road by tube.

“It’s about time us managers had a big fight. Me and Bryan Robson would be decent. I’d have to kill him or he’d keep coming back at me.” Steve Bruce

“What are women even doing here? I know I sound sexist but I am sexist” Luton boss Mike Newell on lineswoman Amy Rayner

“With me and Iain Dowie on the touchline it could turn into a beauty contest” Paul Jewell

“To be honest with you, Glenn Roeder fancies me" Stuart Pearce on his lengthy touchline hug with his opposite number.

“I think he overbalanced.” Martin Jol’s interpretation of Zakora’s dive of the season

“A brilliant reaction. I hate it when players just walk off.” Jose after Robben had stormed down the tunnel after being substituted.

“When I saw Barbara Streisand yell back at a heckler, I thought at least it’s not just me that gets angry at work.” Neil Warnock finds a soulmate

“It was just a nibble. Jermaine wanted to show his frustration in a nice comical way” Martin Jol explains Defoe’s bite on Mascherano

"Do you have to kill somebody these days to get a red card?" Harry Redknapp on that Ben Thatcher challenge

“Maybe people are just jealous that he's got a real nice tight one, with no cellulite or anything.” Ian Holloway on Joey Barton’s bum rap

“I have never been pushed by a manager of that stature before” Alan Pardew on his touchline shoving match with Wenger

“I went swimming with my players but my trunks are so tight I got called a budgie smuggler.” Plymouth boss Ian Holloway

“It's the same as if you told my missus I was gay. It's nonsense." Martin Jol denies being told to play Berbatov against Chelski

“I’m quite a cool dude really” The new laid back Sunderland boss Roy Keane

“In that situation, we would all love to do that" Gareth Southgate on Morrison's attempted knee-capping of Ronaldo.

“I normally like to get kissed before I get screwed. But there was no foreplay, nothing.” Mick McCarthy bemoans getting turned over by a ref.

"We don't have players growing in greenhouses out the back, because we don't have time for greenhouses. We're more a microwave sort of club.” Watford’s Aidy Boothroyd

“I’ve only been to Wembley once and that was to the Arena to see Lenny Kravitz. I don’t think he scored that night – although he might have done after the show” Chris Coleman

“I’d rather he nicked a toilet seat than mug an old lady. Then his career really would be going down the pan” Harry Redknapp on toilet theiving Glen Johnson

“We asked him to call us back if he was considering coming back. We never heard anything.” Bolton’s Sam Allardyce gets the knockback from Becks

“I don’t think we’ve got a discipline problem. It’s the players who are thick who are causing the problems.” Blades manager Neil Warnock after Paddy Kenny gets an eyebrow bitten off in a Halifax Indian restaurant.


BOARDROOM MADNESS!
“I haven’t laughed so much since Ma caught her t*ts in the mangle” Leeds chariman Ken Bates finds something to smile about.

“We need stability” Charlton Chief Exec Peter Varney sacks Iain Dowie after 15 games, just before sacking his replacement Les Reed.

“There’s gold in them there hills here. It’s hidden deep but we’re going to dig it out.” And Niall Quinn was as good as his word.

“It’s your throat that’s going to be cut if you don’t produce results” Alan Pardew can’t say he wasn’t warned by West Ham’s new chairman Eggert Magnusson

AND THE REST
“He constantly wants sex. He thinks he can wear his groin out if it’s being fixed” Harry Kewell’s wife Sheree Murphy

"Football's a difficult business and aren't the players prima donnas?" Her Majesty the Queen to Premier League chairman Sir David Richards.

“If Jose's dog is called Gullit then I understand why it is so precious to him. Any dog called Gullit must be something special" The original Ruud Gullit.

“I suggest that anyone who’s brave enough to meet Ibrahima down a dark alley should have a piece of Kryptonite with them. He’s a big lad” Reading coach Wally Downes, on death threats to Imbrahima Sonko

“He brings out an extra six to 12 inches and it’s a fantastic tackle” Former Charlton and Chelsea defender Scott Minto makes his broadcasting debut

FANCHANTS ALTERNATIVE PREMIERSHIP AWARDS

By Graham Wray

Forget the other tin pots. Here’s where Fanchants dishes out its prestigious alternative Premiership gongs:

The Phil Spector award for bad hair
Dimitar Berbatov. He might play like God on speed but that greasy bob makes him look more like Ann Widdecombe on HRT.

The Nobby Stiles award for man-marking
Chris Coleman’s missus. Still, at least she knows where he is now. Sat watching daytime telly eating his body weight in Cheesey Wotsits

The Vanessa Feltz award for best use of big pants
The huge banner in the Kop that read; ‘Jose Mourinho: Special One My Arse!’

Andriy Shevchenko award for Miss of the season
Miss Danielle Lloyd who scored in the presence of Premiership players more times than Watford.

The Trevor Sorbie award for blowdrying
Sky’s Geoff Shreeves for taking the full force of Fergie’s hairdryer on the chin. And then blasting it back in old sourpuss’s face.

Victor Meldrew moaner of the year
Neil Warnock for continually moaning about other managers fielding weak teams when the crafty sod did it every game.

The Audley Harrison award for girly fighting
Alan Pardew and Arsene Wenger for going at it like a pair of dads fighting over a parking space at Asda.

The Scooch award for laughable singing:
Wigan fans for their classic anthem:
We’ve won it two times,
We’ve won it two times,
AutoWindscreen,
We’ve won it two times.

The Alan Rough award for Scottish Goalkeeping
Everton’s Iain Turner who quite literally handed the title to United.

Maradona award for crafty cheating
Bolton’s David Thompson for popping a balloon as Reading’s Kevin Doyle took a penalty. Next year he plans to freak penalty-takers by making small animals out of stray balloons.

Gordon Brown award for most thankless task
The plastic surgeon who had to put Crouchie’s wonky face back together after his nose had been splattered.

Jurgen Klinsmann award for most likeable German
Fulham’s Moritz Volz: “Being from the Fatherland I am obviously very tight. So on the morning of a game I often get up early and bake a cake. I’m thinking of opening a cake stand outside Craven Cottage.”

The Alan Sugar award for misplaced misery
Steve Coppell. His side finished in the top half and were acclaimed for their attacking flair yet he still looks like the sort of bloke who’d be unhappy in a barrell of tits.

Martin O’Neill award for mad punditry
Sky’s Paul Merson for describing one striker as “about as useful as a fish up a tree.” Give The Merse his own show!

Barry Davies award for flowery commentary
“Oh there’s the backflip, the helicopter spin and the compulsory spiral” said Tony Gubba, not describing one of Robben’s dives on Match of the Day but slumming it on Dancing On Ice.

David Brent award for nuts manager-speak
Jose: “I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But I am content because the blanket is cashmere.” And frayed at the edges with a few holes at the back by the look of it.

Liam Gallagher award for modesty
Joe Cole: “My body is now close to being absolutely perfect.” Yeah, but the munchkin face still needs a bit of work.

Darren Anderton award for most bizarre injury
Charlton’s Darren Bent sidelining himself after slicing his hand with a breadknife. “I’m not even sure what sandwich I was making. I didn’t get to try it.”

Otis Spunkmeyer award for silly names
Martin Jol’s sibling. Said Martin; “Yes my brother’s called Cock. What’s so funny about that?” Shall we tell him or will you lot?

Joses Dog

A few coming in regarding Jose pet pooch, mostly from Man United fans funnily enough:

From RepublikOfMancunia.org:
"Jose, wherever you may be,
Ji Sung Park ate your dog for tea,
You won fuck all and your dog is dead,
Why don't you get a cat instead. "

From Jeffrey:
"Mourinho are you listening,
We know your dog went missing,
We heard him bark & gave him to Park,
Eating in a stir fry wonderland "

Funnies recently submitted

From the final weekend:

Arsenal fans (thanks to Nigel Cowen for submitting):
Sang at Baptista (from Arsesnal Fans) after his penality miss and various ither misses during Popmey match.
"Spain in The Summer, You're going to Spain in the Summer"

It's the song we usually sing at Liverpool but was directed at Graham Poll during his last ever match as a referee (Pompey Vs Arsenal)
(To the tune of You\'ll Never Walk Alone)
"Sign on, Sign On, With a pen in your hand \'Cause you\'ll never get a job, You\'ll never get a job."

An oldie but funny (thanks to Daniel Harding for submitting).
Sung when tottenham got food poisoning:
Lasagna, whoa, lasagne, whoa,
We laughed ourselfs to bits,
When Tottenham got the sh*ts,
Lasagna, whoa, lasagne, whoa...

Newcastle's disillusionment

Chants from ther St James Park faithfull that send Roeder on his way:
"Taxi for Roeder", "Shepherd out" and "Sack the Board"

Leeds going down

A Derby chant aimed at luckless Wise:
"Wise, Wise whatever have you done,
You've put Leeds in Division One,
You won't win a Cup,
You won't win a shield,
Your biggest game will be Huddersfield"

Preston chant:
"Next year you'll be at Blackpool,
We'll be at Liverpool."

A selection of anti McClaren songs

You couldn’t score with Ulrike,
Score with Ulrike,
You couldn’t score with Ulrike...

He had joy, He had fun,
He had Sven on the run,
Then the joy went away,
Cos his team couldn’t play.

McClaren are you listening,
To the song that we’re singing,
Your team cant play,
Home or away,
We’re going out of the Euro wonderland.

We’d rather have a Renault than McClaren

Get back to Formula 1, said get back to Formula 1

You were a better player than a manager
Better player than a manager
You were a better player than a manager

Steve, Steve whomever you may be,
You cant manage your own country,
Could be worse,
You could be Sven,
But at least we qualified for the Euro’s then...

Remember when we had Sven,
At least we had Beckham then,
Now even Wayne can't score
Please don't put us through any more...

You don’t know what yer doing.

Time to go, time to go

Time to leave after Tel Aviv.

He’s ginger,
He’s shit,
He’s such a useless tit
McClaren, McClaren...

He’s ginger,
He’s shite,
Wheres the fucking dynamite
McClaren, McClaren...

Funny Spurs to doomed hammers

To the tune of the Hokey Cokey

You put your Argies in,
Took your Argies out.
The Iceman comes,
And your manager's out.
You're selling Reo-Coker and your're going down,
Thats why we like to shout...........

Oooooh Wanky Wanky West Ham,
Oooooh Wanky Wanky West Ham,
Oooooh Wanky Wanky West Ham,

Missfits, Has-beens HA HA HA!

Somethings from the weekend sir

Leeds fans at Sarfend:
"Chelsea boys taking us down"

Spurs fans salute Robbo after scoring against his understudy:
"That's why you're number one"

Wit from Stockport

Sung to Wycombes Jermaine Easter

"you're not as good as Christmas"

Reading salute their Korean forward (well sort of).

He'll shoot,
He'll score,
He'll eat your labrador,
Seol Ki-Hyeon,
Seol Ki-Hyeon...

See more Reading chants and songs here

Funny scousers

Liverpool fans salute their striker to tune of Lord of the Dance
"Dirk Kuyt, as good as he may be,
Hit every branch on the ugly tree,
Like Fowler, Crouch and Craig Bellamy,
Dirk Kuyt’s boss but he’s f***ing ugly.”

More Liverpool chants can be heard hear.

Funny Latics

Sang by Wigan in response to Liverpools 5 times song...

We've won it 2 times,
We've won it 2 times,
Auto Windscreens
We've won it 2 times...

Another Manc funny

Rumours about Stevie G's promiscuous missus (to the tune of "is it a monster")
Who's that cumming over your bird?
Is it a bouncer
Is it a bouncerrrrr

From the recent FA Cup game

Chelsea to Norwich:
"There's only one Gordon Ramsey"
Met with:
"We've got a Super Cook, you've got a Russian Crook"
Thanks to Julius Blumfeld for submission

Fairly amusing Man United song

He knows when you are shit,
He knows when you are class,
Lille better watch their backs or they'll be eating grass,
Nemanja vidic is coming to town...
(sung to the tune of Santa Claus is coming to town)
Thanks to Danny for submission.

Sold to the USA (Spurs funny).

Don’t know much Scouse history,
Don’t know much about Stevie G,
Don’t know much about the Spion Kop,
I don’t know much except I own the lot...

Don’t know much about Anfield,
Don’t know much about Michael Shields,
Don’t know how to even rob a car,
I don’t know much about Grobelaar...

What I do know is Ice Hockey,
And that Parry is a knob-jockey,
What a lucrative world this can be...

Don’t know much about dippin’ bins,
Don’t know much about heroin,
Don’t know how to rock an ambulance,
I don’t know much about the robot dance...

Don’t know much about Kennedy,
Barnes or Beardsley or Bellamy,
Salif Diao or Patrick Berger, er,
I don’t know much about murderers...

What I do know is the bottom line,
And I know that now this club is mine,
What a lucrative world this can be...

Don't know much about the great Scouse wit,
Like chanting "Munich", or chucking shit,
Don't know many bad Croxteth slums,
Don't know many mad Toxteth mums...

Don't know much about our rival club,
But nor does Rafa, who eats too much grub,
Don't know much about the treble, y'all,
But nor does Gerrard, unlike Neville, lol...

What I do know is who gives a f**k?
This ain't Istanbul, you're out of luck,
What a lucrative world this can be...

Funny one from Man United

Hollow, hollow, hollow,
Chelsea's success is fucking hollow,
All the money it took, Off that big russian crook,
But they'll never win three in a row...
Thanks to Mark
Listen to more Man United songs and chants here.

Very funny Spurs songs

"Carefree wherever you may be,
We are the noveau Chelsea FC,
So please sit down, so my wife can see,
I've been coming here since 2003"

This one came in before we played Dinamo Buchurest in the Uefa Cup group stages. Spurs were already through to the next stage before this game, but still THFC decided to make it a category a match(highest rank) with ticket prices from £40 to £70. This is the song:

"My bank account is f****d up cause of the prices at The Lane,
Seventy quid you're having a laugh, they've mugged us off again,
I've taken up a mortgage just to cover for this game,
As the autopay goes charging on......
Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur, Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur
Daylight robbery Tottenham Hotspur, and the autopay goes charging on"

*Autopay is what it's called when the club charges your credit card for extra cup games.
Thanks to Petter for submitting.
View and hear more spurs songs and chants here

Blackburn funny re the chosen one.

He's fat,
He's round,
He rolls along the ground,
Wayne Rooney…

He's fat,
He’s scouse,
He’s gonna rob your house,
Wayne Rooney…

He's near,
He’s far,
He’s gonna rob your car,
Wayne Rooney…

He's fat,
He’s red,
He’ll take your gran to bed,
Wayne Rooney…
View more Blackburn Rovers songs and chants here

Man United funny.

Funny...

You are a scouser, an ugly scouser,
Your only happy on giro day,
Your mums out thieving,
Your dads drug dealing,
But please don’t take my hubcaps away...
Hear more Man United songs and chants here.

The oldest football song

"The main Norwich City Song and the oldest song in the Football League"
Thanks to Gus for submission.

Kick off, throw it in, have a little scrimmage,
Keep it low, a splendid rush, bravo, win or die;
On the ball, City, never mind the danger,
Steady on, now’s your chance,
Hurrah! We’ve scored a goal.
View more Norwich songs here

Scouse funnies

Sung to the tune of Delilah.
"Mark, Mark, Mark Gonzales,
Mark, Mark, Mark Gonzales,
So before immigration break down the door,
You can't take Gonzales he isn't illegal no more!!"

For Sheva
He Missed From 12 Yards,
He Missed From 12 Yards,
In Istanbul,
He Missed From 12 Yards...

Sung to Man U, to the tune of Bruce Springteens classic.
Sold, to the USA,
Sold, to the USA,
Sold, to the USA,
Sold, to the USA...

Sung to the tune of Chelsea's Carefree.
Fu*k off Chelsea FC,
You ain’t got no history,
5 European cups and 18 leagues,
That’s what we call HISTORY…

Luis Garcia
Luis Garcia,
He drinks sangria,
He came from Barca to Liverpool
He's five foot seven,
He's football heaven,
So please don't take our Luis away..
Hear Luis Garcia song here

Steve Gerrard Gerrard, Can blast it from 40 yards, He's big and He's f*****g hard, Steve Gerrard Gerrard... Hear Steve Gerrard song here Listen to Liverpool songs and chants here

Arsenal funny

Refers to swap of defenders this season:
I'd rather have a Willie than a C**t!
I'd rather have a Willie than a C**t!
I'd rather have a Willie,
I'd rather have a Willie,
I'd rather have a Willie than a C**t!